


Deep dark fear

by JessKo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Bugs & Insects, Childhood Trauma, Friendship, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22569118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessKo/pseuds/JessKo
Summary: This was undoubtedly a prank. Normal for human culture, as he managed to make sure of in his studies. The unpleasant coincidence was that the creature tapped into his carefully concealed fear.A translation of the story of the same name by Iskelan.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo & Eli Vanto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Deep dark fear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Iskelan (Zeratul)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeratul/gifts).
  * A translation of [Deep dark fear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21114977) by [Iskelan (Zeratul)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeratul/pseuds/Iskelan). 



> An English version of the wonderfully creepy story by Iskelan. Attached art by the creator. Enjoy~ 
> 
> TW for bugs, entrapment, difficulty breathing, and panic attacks.

Thrawn cried out, and his short exclamation drowned out the thunderous fall of the tray of food. For a few moments, he lost control of the feelings that were projected onto his face, but managed to pull himself together before the rest of those present in the dining room turned to see what had happened. Satisfied chuckles of those who may have been involved in this prank were heard from many directions.

This was undoubtedly a prank. Normal for human culture, as he managed to make sure of in his studies. The unpleasant coincidence was that the creature tapped into his carefully concealed fear. 

Sweat treacherously appeared on his forehead, but only Vanto, who already turned out to be an undesirable witness, could notice it. He would have to explain himself sooner or later to Vanto, but the thought of it now did not bother him much.

“Thrawn?” The cadet leaned anxiously towards him across the table and frowned.

“Someone put insects in my food. An unpleasant surprise,” The Chiss replied, immediately angry at his own voice, weak from the surge of emotions. He stroked his forehead as casually as possible, wiping the sweat that beaded on his brow, and noted with even greater displeasure that he was not only sweating, but also swelling. The scare was stronger than he wanted to think. And his reaction was much stronger than he expected from himself after so many years.

Biting his lip, he forced himself to look at the cause of what happened - a large dark blue beetle with bright yellow spots on the antennae, lazily crawling in the middle of a pool of meat sauce spilling on the floor near the overturned tray. The creature was alive and apparently found his lunch appetizing enough so that a change in lighting and a footfall would not cause him to flee.

“Morco ch'a sen,” he said very quietly, and allowed himself to cough into his fist in order to get rid of the disgust that was cinched in his throat. Slowly unclenching his palm, he looked at the bug for a few seconds, then shook it squeamishly. “Ch'a Sen …”

“Thrawn?” Eli's hand appeared in sight and he snapped his fingers. The Chiss twitched.

“Do not do that.”

“I don’t know if this is normal for legendary warriors, but by human standards you are terribly pale.” Eli asked. “Are you alright?”

“Of course. Do I look like someone who is afraid of bugs?” Thrawn asked deliberately loudly, so that those who arranged this prank could definitely hear him, and bent down to pick up the insect from the floor. His hands did not want to obey him, and his fingers, stiff with horror, could close on the creature only the third time. Time slowed down, and he heard a rapid heartbeat reverberate in his temples. He straightened up with the creature in his hand and smiled triumphantly, almost imperceptibly resting his other hand on the table.

“That would be very ridiculous,” Eli answered, grinning nervously, not taking his eyes off his face. Fortunately, only he was close enough to make out his lies. 

Thrawn gripped his fingers with force, breaking through the chitin with an unpleasant crunch. The creature's body split, pouring yellow lymph onto his fingers. He listened, the laughter did not stop, reverberating in his mind like an annoying echo, and he was able to figure out from which side came most of them, after which he threw the remains of the creature there. Laughter gave way to emotional exclamations, much louder than he had just witnessed. Meanwhile, janitorial MSE-6 droids were already scurrying around at his feet.

“I will return to our quarters,” Thrawn looked at his open palm again, and for a brief moment he imagined what he was so afraid to see. He closed his eyes, then blinked several times intensely in order to make sure that it was only an illusion. 

“But you ... you never ate.”

“I'm not hungry.”

***

The hand-to-hand lesson was in full swing. Thrawn was too good for any of the Academy cadets, so he used them more as an opportunity to train Vanto, who was far behind in this discipline. This time, he had Echani battle poles at his disposal, very similar to those that he had once used at home, which made this lesson especially pleasing to him.

He attacked the cadet with leisurely blows. Eli dodged and fought back whenever possible, but still did it very awkwardly, and with each hit of the pole on the leg or shoulder he frowned and his breathing became uneven. 

“Your actions will become more effective if you think of it as a dance. Pole fighting is an art filled with special aesthetics. You, your mind, your body and your weapon are connected…”

“Thrawn, it only knocks me out!” The cadet interrupted angrily and made a wide swing with a pole. Thrawn turned to fend off him, but something went wrong. Eli seemed to pass through the exposed defense and hit him in the solar plexus. The blow was powerful - much more powerful than he expected from such a fragile little man.

He lost his balance and leaned on a pole, grabbing with his free hand at the site of the impact. For several seconds he could not take a breath, and when he finally could, he burst out into a cough, strong as if he wanted to spit out his lungs, and reflexively covered his mouth with his palm. From a lack of oxygen, his head began to spin, and he knelt down to avoid a fall. The sounds and images of the gymnasium around him merged into a blur of white noise, in which he heard only his own cough and the distorted, as if slowed down, cry of Vanto, who frantically repeated his name. 

When the spasms that tormented his lungs gave him a short respite, he looked at his palm - maroon spots brightly stood out on his blue skin, among which large, even darker clots were noticeable. Some of them moved. He groaned plaintively, continuing to stare at them. His heart began to beat unnaturally fast, tears came to his eyes. A new fit of coughing made him put his hands on the floor, and when it was over, everything was splattered with blood and saliva, in which small pale beetles with bright yellow antennae hatched from dark clots one after another. Looking at them, he felt how their relatives moved inside himself, getting out of the cocoons and stamping their sharp feet on the walls of the trachea, vocal cords, palate and tongue. 

“Thrawn!” Cadet Vanto called again and shook his shoulders. “Thrawn, what is wrong with you?”

In response, he could only continue to cough harder and harder with short breaks, in which he only managed to moan, clinging exhaustedly to the floor, and tried to find the face of his older brother among the shadows that surrounded him. 

“C’mon, wake up already!” Eli roughly pinched his cheek, then his shoulder, then jerked him sharply.

It became dark all around, and in part it brought relief, because he could no longer see insects piling up on the floor, but at the same time it sharply increased the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness from the realization that there was definitely no one to help him. Coughing a few more times, he felt that the spasms had stopped, but the feeling of the larvae moving inside did not disappear.

He did not have time to notice how Vanto, lit only by the light from his own eyes, appeared in front of him, dressed instead of a uniform in his pajamas. The cool hands rested on his shoulders and shook lightly. Eli looked worried.

“Thrawn!” He called again, this time the voice sounded quiet and careful. Through the veil of painful and real sleep, Thrawn realized that they were in their quarters, and he slept so restlessly that he rolled down from the bed to the floor. 

He wanted to ask if he was still sleeping, but his brain signals did not seem to reach the tongue, which was cramped and continued to transmit the phantom sensation of sharp insectoid legs pounding along it. The only sound he was capable of again was a high plaintive moan.

“You had a nightmare,” said Vanto, carefully looking into his eyes. “It's over. Whatever you saw there, it was not real. Everything is alright. Can you hear me?”

It was not without difficulty that he forced himself to nod, and the world around him revolved again.

“Take a deep breath, come on.”

Thrawn shook his head in protest, at that moment irrationally prepared to forbid himself to ever breathe again, but his body still forced him to do so. He inhaled deeply and quickly, but managed to listen to the sensations and realize that the lungs were clean and no foreign organisms were trying to get out of them anymore. Relief swept in a pleasant coolness on his skin, and he was able to relax his jaw slightly. 

His mind finally cleared up, and he felt a painful shame for the way this almost stranger saw him, albeit having earned some trust. Shame for what he himself became, just faced with a long-buried and forgotten fear from childhood here and now, infinitely far from home in time and space. 

“Cadet Vanto, do you know how dangerous it is to wake those who walk in their sleep?” He spoke softly, but his voice was still noticeably hoarse. Obviously, he was tearing his throat not only in a dream, but also in reality, trying to cough up non-existent larvae. Eli shook his head. “I dreamed of a training fight where I was hitting you. It was unpleasant.”

“You shouted,” Eli said, frowning incredulously. “As if from fear,” he added carefully. “So loud that it even woke me up.”

“I screamed,” Thrawn repeated slowly, mentally visualizing how he probably looked from the side, and was glad that the room was dark. But at the same moment, his happiness was washed away by a new wave of irrational horror from the new association, snatched up by an agitated memory from the depths of the subconscious. “Twenty percent light,” he ordered, and exhaled as the dim lighting drove away mind-rending memories. 

Wiping sweat from his face with his palm, Thrawn got to his feet, took a pad from the bedside table and lay down on the bed over the blanket that he had previously straightened. For several seconds, he looked meaninglessly at the main screen before he came up with what kind of request to enter in the holonet in order to engage himself in reading and finally shake off what had happened. 

Vanto also got up from the floor, but was in no hurry to climb his bunk. With peripheral vision, Thrawn saw a battle of curiosity and politeness and irritation on his face. He shifted from foot to foot, now swaying up to the ladder, then moving away again and awkwardly opening his mouth. This movement was enough right now to interfere with his concentration, and Thrawn lowered the pad and looked at him directly.

“Do you want to say something, Cadet Vanto?”

“I understand, it's not my business, but ... It's because of that bug, right?”

“Why do you think so?”

“I’ve lived with you for a month and have never seen you behave like that. And then... At first you refused food, and now you screamed and coughed... It’s a bit creepy.” Eli admitted. 

“I'm sorry I bothered you,” Thrawn looked at the chronometer built into the pad. “You should go to sleep, it is the middle of the night.”

“I'm afraid I won't fall asleep now. You scared the hell out of me.”

“Let it be the scariest of your nights.” Indeed. After all, nothing happened.

“I already saw this once. When I was a child, my grandfather lived with us in the house. Usually he was kind, quiet and calm and often played with us. But as soon as he heard a pop, he screamed at us children, dropped to the ground and hid himself. And then he came to his senses and apologized for a long time. Mom said that he experienced a lot during the Clone Wars and because of this, sometimes he cannot distinguish reality from the horrors of war that live in him.”

“And how does this relate to me and the bugs?” Thrawn responded. He did not want to talk about this at all, but at the same time he was curious to listen to the logical deductions of this young man.

“You are a warrior. I’ll probably never know what you saw there…” Vanto hesitated, his lips curled, “in the unknown regions. Surely there was some kind of race of intelligent bugs that drove you into a corner and…”

“No,” said Thrawn. A little sharper than he wanted. A mixture of resentment and misunderstanding was reflected on his face. After sitting silently like this for a couple of seconds, Eli brought his hand to the crossbar of the ladder. 

“OK OK. I understand. Mysterious warriors from legends do not reveal their terrible secrets to strangers,” he grumbled and climbed several rungs before Thrawn answered him.

“This is not connected with the war,” he surrendered and allowed the memories to reappear before him in all colors. “Fine. I will tell you a story. But after my story you may dream something unpleasant.”

“It is unlikely that it will be worse than yours,” Eli stepped back and sat next to him on the lower tier of the bed.

“And it is all true,” Thrawn closed his eyes, falling into the images surrounding him. “As you know, I'm a warrior,” he switched to Sy Bisti. “However, in all my life in no battle have I been so close to death as when I was three and a half years old. My homeworld has been covered in ice for thousands of years, and many of my people still live in well-equipped underground caves, since not every ordinary citizen can afford to keep warm in houses on the surface. There are many dangers in such a life, and many children do not live to adulthood. Therefore, in our families it is often customary to have as many children as possible in order to be sure that the family will continue. My brother and I were the only two, two more sisters perished before I learned to speak. He was six years older than me, almost an adult. Mother was pregnant and our father did not participate in our lives, so he tried to give me attention in his free time. And I...” Thrawn hesitated, shrugging his shoulders. Memories of how he was in early childhood always, for inexplicable reasons, made him embarrassed. There was a pause, and he momentarily regretted starting to tell this story.

“You were as unbearable then as you are now, right?” Vanto suggested. Thrawn saw his confusion and apparently desire for him to continue.

“Then I was still too inexperienced and uninformed to be able to correctly assess the risk to which my life was exposed,” he tried to justify himself. “I only knew that death always walks nearby, but did not imagine what it could be. I believed that I was smart enough to outwit him and slip away.” He grinned bitterly and shook his head. “My brother and I loved to play hide and seek in the caves. I did not like when he succeeded, and I looked for new and better places, taking advantage of the fact that I was much smaller. Fortunately, I had full scope for this, the tunnels went deep, branched, fell through, and sometimes it was so dark that even our eyes could fail. Although the main thing was the monotony of the landscape. But the ice structure is very unpredictable. Heat from the core of the planet, temperature difference, movement of tectonic plates and underground sources ... sometimes, even in familiar places, faults suddenly appeared. Deep and often wide enough to fall through.”

“I definitely don’t like where this is going,” Eli said, but his whole posture was expressing increasing curiosity. This reminded Thrawn of a strange human tradition, according to which their children gathered in gloomy surroundings and told terrible tales to each other. The purpose of such a ritual was not yet clear to him, but for some reason it gave them obvious pleasure. And his story for Vanto was another such story from which he was unlikely to extract anything that could be used against him, except that he had already learned about his irrational fear.

“Predictably, once I really failed. The rupture arose on one of my favorite routes and was not very wide ...” He gestured with his hands in the air a small segment, “like my head is now, maybe more. I fell poorly, because in the process of falling I hit my head on the sharp edge of the fault, which disoriented me, if not for this, I would be able to break my fall much earlier and get out without problems. But... unfortunately, I was confused. And it almost cost me my life.”

“You were stuck in an ice crevice. In a cold cave. And you were three years old. Kriff, this is…”

“I would not sympathize, Cadet Vanto. I myself am responsible for my careless behavior.”

“I'm afraid to ask...”

“Beetles,” Thrawn grinned nervously, again feeling the phantom itch under his skin. “Yes, if I were just stuck in an ice crevice and died of a cold, that would be much more merciful. However, on my home planet, due to harsh conditions, living organisms have adapted to survival in the most bizarre ways.” Thrawn jerked and swallowed several times nervously. Then he decided to sit closer to Vanto, so that his consciousness would more securely cling to his presence. “One of the local species of beetles, for example, adapted not only to dig out passages through the ice, but also found very convenient the fact that larger organisms often died in caves. What could be better for setting up a colony than a frozen body full of nutrients?”

“They ... started to eat you alive?”

“Not really. They are smart enough not to touch bodies while they are active and can kill a significant portion of the population. I had the strength to free myself from the situation in which I was stuck, but... I had no idea how deep I fell. If there were any landmarks in the caves, then in the fresh fault there were none. There was no moss, no mold, no marks... nothing. I could only see the reflection of my own eyes on its surface. And I did what was by no means necessary.”

“You panicked. Oh my stars, you were three years old!”

“Like any young Chiss, I was well aware of the dangers surrounding me,” he repeated, gritting his teeth angrily. “And I knew how often those who neglected safety rules perished. During that year, our neighbor lost two. But I behaved stupidly and self-confidently.”

“Thrawn. I understand cultural differences and all that, but ... are you not being too hard on yourself?”

He did not answer. Vanto's point of view did not fit into his usual picture of the world. Even decades since the incident, he clearly heard his mother’s condemnation and disapproval of the neighbors. Only his brother was silent then, but his frightened look spoke even louder than words, and he continued to feel guilty about it.

“Because of the panic, I lost a lot of energy and started to freeze. My body was still too undeveloped to effectively retain heat, so by the time I scrambled up at least a couple of meters, I almost lost the ability to move. And soon I began to completely lose consciousness. It was then that these creatures decided to start a feast. When I started to lose consciousness, I felt them crawling over me, but all I could do was spit them out when they tried to get into my mouth. It even allowed me to hold out in consciousness for a few extra minutes, but not longer.”

“And ... how did you get out?”

“My brother found me,” Thrawn said, very quietly, and gripped his trembling knees together with his palms. He remembered his own hoarse, plaintive moans and helplessness. He remembered how his mother poured water on him to warm him, and accompanied the action with a fierce stream of questions that he could not answer. The memories were muddy, distorted, but at the same time painfully bright, as if blaster discharges cut through the darkness. “Fortunately, he knew me well enough and quickly connected the presence of a fault on my favorite route with my disappearance. Although I couldn’t get out myself, I climbed high enough to be seen by looking there. I surprisingly easily got out of it all. I didn’t break anything and did not freeze. Yes, and the bugs…” He jerked his shoulders and brought them forward, with his head pulled as far as possible “They only managed to crawl inside and gnaw a little on the lungs. Even the eggs were not laid. As soon as they realized that I was not dying, they crawled out on their own - they felt too hot inside. I got scared a lot more than it was worth, and I was terribly ashamed. I am... still now ashamed.” Thrawn took one palm in the other and squeezed strongly, suppressing the unrelenting trembling. “I shouldn't feel like that because of some... bug. The one from today doesn’t even look like them. Those creatures were much smaller.”

“I don’t know if this will help, but ... I think I would be scared out of my boots if I were in that situation.” Eli whimpered, obviously Thrawn had presented the story too vividly. “Sounds like a horror.”

“I didn't say I needed help,” Thrawn snapped a little louder than he wanted. He understood that even if he hadn’t said such a thing, his body language now completely betrayed his feelings, making him as vulnerable as possible under Vanto’s attentive gaze. However, the young man seemed to have been sincerely involved and worried. It seemed a little strange, given that he had previously shown a clear hostility. At the same time, it gave little hope that in the future he would earn more trust. “Next time I will be ready for similar jokes from other cadets and I will not please anyone with such a violent reaction. I still have to get used to the behaviors of humans…”

Suddenly, Eli leaned forward and grabbed Thrawn. The Chiss inhaled sharply and tensed with his whole body, preparing to counterattack, but, before doing this, he nevertheless asked, “Cadet Vanto, what are you doing?”

“Hugging you,” Vanto answered with sincere bewilderment in his voice. “Or are the Chiss so harsh they don't hug their children?” 

Thrawn blinked slowly several times, listening to the uneven, rapid rhythm of his own heart, which had not ceased since awakening. Vanto's hands held him tightly, but did not try to strangle or restrain him, therefore, after several times nervously inhaling and exhaling, he ceased to suspect his actions of being a threat.

“What do you mean ‘hug’?” He asked, for the first time in the last few minutes, looking up at his companion.

“This... this... kriff, I can't remember the word on Sy Bisti. But this is what my mother would do if I nearly died in an ice trap. She would have taken me in her arms, hugged me and... would say that everything is fine and nothing threatens me anymore.”

“I see. A traditional human interaction, expressing... nuh'she.” He relaxed a little, and Vanto, sensing this, hugged him tightly, moving him closer to him. Thrawn pressed his legs to his chest. That was weird. The man was one and a half times smaller than himself, but at the same time acting as if he were trying to cover him with his own body, pressing himself in against the shoulder and blocking him from the outside world with his fragile body.”

“Care,” Eli translated. “Really nobody showed it to you?”

“My brother... took care of me,” said Thrawn, a little hesitantly. “He always felt responsible for me. And... sometimes he took it in his arms,” he again looked down, embarrassed by his own frankness here and now, thousands of parsecs from his home with an almost unfamiliar, potentially hostile stranger. “But why are you doing this?”

“I want you to know that it’s alright,” Vanto's cool palm stroked his shoulder. “There are no bugs here. Nothing threatens you.” The sound of his voice repeating seemingly meaningless words, and soft touches somehow sent shivers and cramps that drove the body down. Thrawn allowed himself to close his eyes and snuggle up to the human’s chest, reflecting on the motives of these actions. It was still better than thinking about the bugs crawling on it inside and out in his memories, and about the helpless loneliness that he felt on the verge of death.

“Excuse me, Cadet Vanto. I will do everything possible so that this does not happen again.” He pulled back, feeling that the arms had become weaker. “It must be unpleasant for you to do this for me.”

“Hey, I’m not upset that I’m hugging you,” Eli squeezed his shoulder again and smiled awkwardly. “You are... so warm and big. And not at all scary. And…” Vanto's voice became quieter, “Now I am ashamed. I thought so much Krayt spit about you, and yet you are... all alone here.”H e took Thrawn's hand. “I can't even imagine what it feels like for you. After all, you... have nowhere to go. Of course, I am very far from you and your plan, whatever it may be, and I'm not at all happy that I have to be your translator, but... I’m not sorry to give a little warmth when I see how much you need it.”

“Well, if it doesn't bother you, Cadet Vanto... Can I spend the rest of the night in your... arms?” Thrawn smiled restrainedly, carefully looking at his face. Vanto opened his mouth and squinted. Such a turn clearly surprised him. “Only today,” Thrawn added, not taking his eyes off him. As he expected, gradually the person’s face relaxed, which means that he still accepted his strange request.

“Only today,” Vanto repeated, again taking him into the soft ring of his hands and dragging him to a lying position. Now his face was smiling, and his gaze was looking to the side, and a barely noticeable shade on his cheeks showed strong restrained emotions. “Although... actually, ask me anytime.”

Thrawn smiled back at him. Soft cool hugs convincing his anxious subconscious mind that here and now there would be no bugs and ice traps. No nightmares. And no repercussions.

“Thank you, Cadet Vanto,” he said and closed his eyes. And at that moment, somewhere inside him, his own voice from the distant past ceased to plaintively moan.


End file.
